Angry African on the Loose

Hillary slowly wakes up from her deep sleep. She was having such a good dream. Dreams of war and being President. She sits up and rubs her eyes. This is what she has been waiting for. That call. The call every President should dread. But the call every President secretly hopes they will get. It is time to test her mettle. She straightens up. Clears her throat and picks up the receiver. With a stern voice she says, “President Clinton speaking. How may I help you?” (Her mother taught her good telephone manners - it just went for a ball when she is off the phone.) She can hear the voice on the other side. It sounds oddly familiar. As if she has heard it before. Is it her Veep Lieberman? Yeah, that surprised them all - but she got the conservative vote and knew he would do anything to be Veep. But no. It isn’t Joe. It’s… It’s… “Honey, are you there? I need a pair of clean pants please. I am down at the cop station. This is the only call I am allowed to make. And those dirty women stole my pants at the…” He trails off. She isn’t listening anymore. Damn. It was only a dream. And she is back in the nightmare of real life. Life where she isn’t President.

Who do you want answering the phone at 3 am if there is a crisis somewhere? Okay. I mean who do you want the President to be if there is a crisis somewhere and he/she must deal with it. Well. For starters. I would be damned surprised if Hillary, John or Barack answered the phone themselves. Can’t they even get good enough help to answer the phone? I know the economy is in a bit of a downturn, but really. They didn’t have to fire all staff working there did they? Bill cleaning the house? I can only imagine him in a little French maid outfit vacuuming the carpets in the Lincoln Room. Sorry Bill. Shave the legs please. You look way too French with those unshaven legs.

But seriously. Hillary, you want to know who I would like to answer the phone at 3 am if America is under attack? Someone with experience. Someone with experience in making the right decisions. Like someone who was against the war in Iraq in the first place. Not you or Mac who supported the war and still support the war. The only difference is a 100 years for one and indefinite for the other. Sorry baby, I want someone who can smell through the bullsh*t and make the right decision from the start. Not someone who will make a knee-jerk decision and then afterwards go “oops”. Sorry, you didn’t even do the “oops” bit. Never mind the bit that should follow - “sorry”. Leadership. Leadership comes from making mistakes and acknowledging it. I think we have seen enough of leadership who makes mistakes and then never backs down - because they don’t want to be seen as “weak”. As my mother always said, “It takes a big man (or woman) to admit making a mistake. And an even bigger one to fix it”. You haven’t even done the first bit. So no reason why we should leave it to you to fix. I want the guy who says, “You know what? This was wrong from the start. Now let’s fix it and get the hell out of there”. No HillBillary, you made the wrong call, so you don’t get the chance to take the next call at 3 am.

Mac - you know why you won’t answer the call either? It’s not just because I am scared that it will take you too long to put your teeth back in or do the comb-over before you can answer the phone. No - not that. Because you got the call wrong as well. Man, you got so many calls wrong. All those fancy names getting a bit much isn’t it? You know the Iraq, Iran, Sonny and Cher stuff happening there in the Middle of the East. Maybe there is a reason why people retire at 65? Can’t remember what happened yesterday? On the other hand… You might be up at 3 am to go to the toilet in any case. And I don’t know if Joe will be whispering in your ear if you get the next one wrong either.

Reporter: “Mr President, do you think that this is a just war? And what about the English pulling their troops out?”

Mac: “That’s a stupid question sonny. Of course we should be in this war. It is about our freedom and the freedom of the world. The English must be defeated. We will not stop until they are defeated. This is our time, and our country.”

Joe leans in and whispers something to President McCain. We can’t hear what he whispers.

Mac (speaking to Joe, but we can hear him over the microphone): “What? Speak up man. I forgot my earpiece. What? What do you mean he is asking about the Middle of the East? That’s what I said. Defeat the English in the East - Boston, right? What Sunni? It’s the East man, the sun never shines of there - just snow, snow, snow.”

Sorry Mac, I know you have fond memories of fighting the English for independence, but this is the other East we are talking about. I just don’t know if we can trust a guy who can’t remember who and what the enemy might be. A President should not “misspoke” when it comes to the enemy. Reading a book upside down is fine, but not knowing the enemy is more dangerous for us than anything else.

Let’s ask the question the other way. And remind you of the 80s a bit.

“If there’s something strange in your neighborhood
Who you gonna call?

If there’s something weird and it don’t look good
Who you gonna call?

If you’re seeing things running through your head
Who can you call?”

Stop spreading fear. This is a proud country with a proud history of fighting wars. And it has never been afraid of the enemy. It took on the might of the British with just a few ragtag farmers. And they turned them into an army not even the mighty English could defeat. It took on the power of the Nazi’s and Fascists and Japanese. And they defeated them as well. Yes, Vietnam was not a proud moment. But never, ever in the history of this country has fear ever played a role. People here just don’t scare easily. Don’t start with you sh*t here. Americans don’t scare easily. So just stop trying to make people afraid of living in their own country. It didn’t work back then against the English and it as sure as hell ain’t gonna work now. Americans don’t hide behind a 3 am call.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

I am just afraid of what you might do because it seems as if you fear the future with your talk of 3 am calls. Be tough man (and woman). Be American. Who are you going to call to chase away these fears of yours? Obama - the Ghostbuster.

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbuster(s)!

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